There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
