I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
