i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Small penises have feelings too.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
