Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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