There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
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Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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