i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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