he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize