I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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