i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
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We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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