you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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