you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
