I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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