with your own penis?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
