I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
