Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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