I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
