you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
