I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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