I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
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Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
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If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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