Whod you bang
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Randomize
