I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
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Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
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hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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