am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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