just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
