so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
