Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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