Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
