this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
this is an emotional support booty call
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
