My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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