we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
