Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
