Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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