did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
