I got chris browned last night
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
