When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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