Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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