shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's rum buckets o'clock
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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