Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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