Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Where did you get a picture of my penis
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
