Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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