How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
