I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
