It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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