Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
