on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
