dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
