Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
