Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
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I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
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I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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