I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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