Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
