so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
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And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
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You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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