Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
