Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
