Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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