I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
