I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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