its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
